Like many of you, I choose to shop at Wal-Mart.  I do this not out of a masochistic personality disorder [that's for another post] but because, honestly, I can’t afford to shop anywhere else.  For example, resume paper I purchased at Wal-Mart this afternoon cost $8 per package, compared to $14 next door at Office Depot.  I don’t have the money to shop at nice places, so once a week I suck it up and trek down to the carnival that is Wal-Mart.

I’ve been going there for groceries since the day I moved out.  I’m pretty good at whipping in, getting what I need, and whipping out.  It’s usually a low-drama affair, and any anxiety I generate comes from my intense desire to be anywhere else.  Still, I’ve noticed several groups of people who just can’t get the shopping-with-others thing down.  I’m not talking about the occasional collision of carts or waiting your turn to stare at bananas, I’m talking about a failure of common sense and courtesy on such a large scale that it immediately pushes that button inside me that turns me from “I-need-Hamburger-Helper” to “I-will-KILL-a-Bitch!” mode instantly.  Because I believe many of you share these experiences, I thought we could commiserate about them.  Therefore, without further ado, I present to you the four things that piss me off at Wal-Mart.

#1: Fat people + Slow scooters

If you need a motorized cart to get around -  knock yourself out.  I don’t give a shit, really.  And if you are fat as hell and the only reason you need one is because you are to lazy or too obese to walk, I still don’t give a shit.  However, your Wal-Mart scooter is not the Popemobile, and you are not entitled to special “rules of the road” while you are wheeling about the store.  Specifically: do not cruise down the center of the aisle!  Wal-Mart aisles are designed for one lane of carts each way and a passing lane in the middle.  They are not designed for you to barrel through the middle at the blazing speed of 1.5mph and mess everything up, especially when you veer without warning toward the salad dressing.  What are you doing?  Pick a side and wait like everyone else.  Where are you in such a hurry to go?  Senior citizens’ day lasts all day.  Nothing pisses me off like someone who thinks they’re entitled to screw up an aisle with seven people in it because you can’t wait to get to the waffles.

Sidenote: I do not mind handing you things from shelves you cannot reach from the luxury of your vinal chariot.  If you ask I will gladly hand you something nearby.  However, I have shit to do myself, so making me stand around while you hem and haw about which brand of toilet paper you want is pretty rude.  Just get the Angel Soft and let’s all move on, shall we?

#2: Yapping on ya damn cell phone

I’d make this #1 if I wasn’t so lazy.  I’m not talking about calling your boo to ask whether they wanted skim milk or 2%, or to clarify something on the list.  I get that.  No problem.  But you’ve seen the others: talking about their girlfriends or what was on TV last night or some other bullshit nonsense that can wait until you get your ass home.  My personal favorites are the people who are conducting business transactions.  They’re usually wearing one of those Bluetooth earpieces, drifting down the aisle while fidgeting with their phone, talking sternly about quotes and invoices and shit.  Give me a fucking break; you are in a Wal-Mart!  I don’t believe for a second you are some high-powered executive who just happens to have a crush on Great Value deodorant.  If you’re not here to shop, get out of the damn store!  Take that shit over to Starbucks, sit down, and have your conversation.  Or better yet, go to work and do it.  Just today I spent forever waiting on this stupid-ass lady to stop discussing “her man” with god-knows-who so I could get to the shelf she happened to coast in front of.  Shut the hell up and get shopping, bitches!

#3: Dragging along your bad-ass kids

OK, so you can’t/don’t get a babysitter for the kids just so you can run to the store.  That does not give you the right to bring your personal hellspawns to Wal-Mart and cut them loose like an unwanted trout.  I have seen children running through the store unattended eating the merchandise.  I have seen children running through the store screaming at the top of their lungs.  I have seen children bothering strangers, not with the sweet innocence of “Could you hand me the fruit snacks, sir?” but with something more like “I need that!” with a vague sweep of the hand.  I have seen pre-teens on BlackBerries [see above].  If it involves children and it’s illegal, immoral, or insane, I’ve probably seen it at Wal-Mart.  The worst part is when Mommy Dearest figures out what her kids are doing and is so shocked she proceeds to beat their asses in the middle of the store.  I have turned the corner in frozen foods and come across a bare bottom in the middle of being spanked.  The scream was my first clue.  I don’t know what happened to teaching your kids some damn manners but…OK, I need a deep breath.

#4: Too stupid to check-out

If you’re lucky enough to survive the insanity of the aisles and you have not had an anxiety attack or had to fill out a police report, you now get to play a game of strategy and logic called “checkout.”  First, you must analyze the fifty open registers to find the one you think you will get through the fastest.  This includes taking a look at the people in line and who is ringing them up.  Once you’ve made your choice and committed, you will undoubtedly see the register light start to flash, and the drama begins.  Pops in front of you wants to fight about a price.  A raincheck.  No quarters.  No barcode.  Pick your poison–it will happen in your line only.  You will unload your groceries just to reload them again at the other end of the counter, usually having been thrown into a bag by Rhonda ["20 Years of Service!"] who is asking for your opinion on the Lean Cuisines you’ve selected.

If you’ve only got a few items, you may opt for the self-checkout, which would be fine if nobody else used it.  A free hint: if you are uncomfortable with the idea of checking out your own shit and using a computer, self-checkout is not for you. You are not entitled to use it if you can’t handle it [my next post may be about entitlement].  I have seen a lady walk up to the screen, slap a plastic bag with a live goldfish in it, and just stare at the screen.  I have become so good at checking myself out that they ought to devote a “High Roller” self-checkout just to people like me.

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